Many times over I write about the human emotion. The fear of loving or being loved, the value of a relationship and the excitement that comes when we actually embrace it with the right counterpart. I have been residing in Chicago for about 3 months now and a lot of clarity has graced me. One of the largest struggles I have had in life was intimate relationships. Now that I am here, alone, I have had time to sift through the ashes of my past and get real with what decisions I am making before, during, and after a relationship.
If history repeats itself, I can assure you that this psychology will be short. I teeter between the bad boy and the nice guy...over and over again. I am attracted to the suave and yet diminishing facade that the bad boy offers. It is a taste of the wild side. It is a mind blowing passionate experience that I am all to comfortable with showing to another, or am I just playing that role? The nice guy, for me, is typically he thinker, the creative, and the brainiac. I can't help myself against his powers. He kindles my fire and keeps me grounded. He shows me the world in a light even instagram can't replicate, and I spend the entire relationship feeling belittled that my brain doesn't have the same wiring.
I have pondered what I really want: how tall, how dark, how handsome. I have made check lists, weighed my options, and read every book around who the perfect mate is. everyone has their own path to perfection and mine was lost in transcription. I have realized that it is not about the other person, but knowing who I truly am. Perhaps the eighth wonder of the world, but themost difficult variable for me is staying OUT of a relationship! I know,I know, taboo at its finest. Sure when I receive a wedding invitation, baby announcement or any other run of the mill showcasing of relationships, envy may creep in. However, I have grown in a different direction than those love birds. I choose to be happy for the chapter they are in their life and parallel that solace to where I am in life. I can not make some one love me and I will not settle to peer pressure, that's just me.
I am thirty years young and have a lifetime ahead of me. I have "Jenn" to work out and to be comfortable with forever. In the words of U2 "I still haven't found what I am looking for", but, I do know who I am looking for- Me. Until I know myself and accept that I will continue to grow and change, he will never be.
