What Not to Wear

 Disclaimer:  This blog is solely in jest and targeted at those of us who struggle with appropriate athletic wear and inspired by two of my favorite local athletes, Carrie and Gretchen.

I have vivid recollection of an old friend and former Brewer High School track star, Amy Taylor (known for her sexy legs) saying with conviction “Spandex is NOT your friend, and just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you SHOULD wear it".   As the girls' careful laughter echoed the walls of that old drill team room, her words have stuck with me for some 10 years.    Now coming from a young lady with legs as cut and long as a super model, it sounds condescending...however, she is right.

As athletes, we are expected to wear various clothing styles and fits to compliment the sport AND our bodies.   I have been to many a fitness competition, marathon, bike rally, crit race, adventure race, gymnastics tourney, swim meet, or just good old fashioned evening walks and  must say apparently we didn't get the memo.   Manufacturers spend years and tons of money "perfecting" the appropriate design and dynamics of an article that will separate their product from the thousand others on the market.   They are doing the dirty work so YOU don’t have to!     Let me explain: if you are training, competing or just looking for some comfy clothes to look sporty in there are plenty available if you just look.

Forever Lazy and Track?

I understand the big comfy sweats and the oversized hoodie, but this gigantic jumper was not intended for track practice!   There are a variety of things you can wear to run in and will double your dollar for versatility.   My favorite is the running skirt.  Girly and dainty to the eye, but has super wicing powers that don’t leave you with dumpy drawers post run.  Added bonus: wear it around town with a racer back and your favorite micro hoodie and envy will be cast upon your sporty style!

Behold! The running skirt!

There are also a variety of running shorts at your disposal.  Nike seems to be the most popular with their eclectic patterns, bright colors, and relatively inexpensive commitment.   It seems like everyone has a pair of these shorts in their alma maters' colors, which is cool but pay attention to your sizing.   Get a real idea of what size you ARE as opposed to what size you want to be or think you are.  My great friends Carrie and Gretchen BOTH think they are 2 sizes larger than they are- and they are berated for it!   Gretchen sent me this picture of her new race day outfit asking my opinion.   I told her the truth " they look awesome!"

Good Fit!

But here is what she came home with.

Doesn't Fit

No, people she did not tie a parachute around her waist, but she did upsize her shorts because clearly she didn’t notice all the weight she lost during her kick ass 2011 triathlon season.  Fail!   Carri is my skinny mini friend that is also under the impression that she should shop at Trader's Village for her athletic attire.   Again, this beauty is in gangster's paradise with her big ol' britches and don’t get me started on her competition swim wear.  

Soggy Bottoms?

I don't criticize unless I have a resolution to offer, of course.   We fixed Carrie's swimsuit saga as I had a brand new one that I bought too small ( Speedo runs incredibly small) and immediately her baggy bottoms weren’t slapping the side of the pool during flip turns.  Success!   She's so cute, it’s a shame not to show her physique!  Glad I could help!

Redeemed!

Your running shorts are SUPPOSE to be short!   The less drag you have the better and more material just aides in the awkward inner thigh disappearing act when shorts are dangerously long.  Don’t embarrass yourself!   Further, I think the shorty short spandex tights are still a better fit for the ladies than most shorts.   They fit snug against YOUR curves have soft waist and thigh bands and light weight.   Sold!  However, they can be rather revealing so for the more conservative I would suggest, again, the running skirt.

Basic Black shorty

Triathlon wear is something I have become all too familiar with.   There are so many different types and colors and qualities where do you start?   I suggest figuring out your body type.  I'm a rather bootylicious female so stuffing myself into a pair of Zoot shorts doesn’t do me any favors.  Even 2 sizes larger I still look like a sausage!   I was not born a mannequin so why dress like one?  I find that Louis Garneau and DeSoto sports have a much softer waist and thigh band which accentuates my curves rather than cutting them off.   Both companies have tons of styles and lengths to fit your fancy.   For those of you that ARE built like beanpoles, Zoot and 2XU are a safe bet for you.     Remember triathlon is a sport in which DRAG counts, negatively.   You swim, bike and run in the same outfit, so comfort is probably not going to aid you in your next PR.   Yes, you want your kit to be comfortable, but comfortable for what you are training/racing- not comfortable for a morning sunrise and hot chocolate.    On the note of comfort, I might also suggest the "onesy".   Yes, that favorite childhood jumper has gone retro!   Kidding.   The onesy scared me at first thought of having my entire body outlined for everyone to see.  Not to mention that NO ONE looks hot running; things shift and bounce in opposite directions causing appearance of unjustified epidermal eruptions.  The last thing I need is full body coverage, but to my surprise it actually is quite slimming and feels like a giant "spanks" holding you in.   It felt amazing in the swim as most of my two piecers fill up with water and may or may not be flapping in the wind after it dries out.  Kiwami makes a brilliant (and expensive) custom suit!   I think it's one of those "looks better on" situations!

MY onesy!

Guys aren’t typically in my repertoire of rants on style as they really just don’t care.  They have the right idea: don’t care what size and probably not what color, but DOES IT FIT?   However, in the slight chance that one of you manly men are scared of a speedo or shorty shorts -get over it.   Like your car's engine, each piece of clothing is designed to make you go FASTER, HARDER, and look cooler than any other guy.   Let me tell you guys, a girl will turn her head for a man with confidence and a great pair of get-away sticks!   I know one guy that dominates the athletic arena and in WHITE.   {drool}

How does he do it?

Even dressed down!

Now that I’ve completed my rant about the oversized aversions, I won't neglect the undersized either.  I must confess I CAN still wear my spandex from last season, but I’m also guilty of putting on a few pounds after being out on injury for 6 months.   So, I’ve got 4 fingers pointing right back at me on this one.  My curves went out and got their own zip code this year and I haven't done much re-wardrobing to accommodate the change.   There are two ways to remedy the too tight fight: lose weight, buy bigger clothes.   For ladies it’s a fight against a number, right?  I refuse to spend money on "fat" clothes so I'm going with the first option.  A sincere apology for anyone who rides behind me or swims next to me!   While this may be a bit of a contradiction, I fuel my motivation with the extra “pull” I’m getting from my spandex.   It reminds me not to harness the see-food diet and to push harder during my workouts.

Tight in the tush

I could buy bigger clothes but I believe that is a crutch.   It's accepting that I expanded so rather than shrink back I just gave myself permission to eat a gallon of ice cream.   As this cycle continues, I will need to refer back to the beginning of this blog on oversized clothes!


I hope this was a fun read for you as it was funny just to write and you ALL know the people I am referring to!   If you are one of them, remedy immediately!
I have a few things on the roster including Try Andy's Tri in Sugarland this weekend, Oilman 70.3 relay, and maybe a visit home for the half marathon.   Happy Halloween! Mwahahahahaha!

Courtesy of Adri Lila!