The Relationship Circa

Many  times over I write about the human emotion.   The fear of loving or being loved, the value of  a relationship and the excitement that comes when we actually embrace it with the right counterpart.    I have been residing in Chicago for about 3 months now and a lot of clarity has graced me.   One of the largest struggles I have had in life was intimate relationships.   Now that I am here, alone, I have had time to sift through the ashes of my past and get real with what decisions I am making before, during, and after a relationship.  
If history repeats itself, I can assure you that this psychology will be short.   I teeter between the bad boy and the nice guy...over and over again.   I am attracted to the suave and yet diminishing facade that the bad boy offers.  It is a taste of the wild side.   It is a mind blowing passionate experience that I am all to comfortable with showing to another, or am I just playing that role?    The nice guy, for me, is typically he thinker, the creative, and the brainiac.    I can't help myself against his powers.    He kindles my fire and keeps me grounded.  He shows me the world in  a light even instagram can't replicate, and I spend the entire relationship feeling belittled that my brain doesn't have the same wiring. 
I have pondered what I really want: how tall, how dark, how handsome.   I have made check lists, weighed my options, and read every book around who the perfect mate is.   everyone has their own path to perfection and mine was lost in transcription.   I have realized that it is not about the other person, but knowing who I truly am.    Perhaps the eighth wonder of the world, but themost difficult variable for me is staying OUT of a relationship!    I know,I know, taboo at its finest.   Sure when I  receive a wedding invitation, baby announcement  or any other run of the mill showcasing of relationships, envy may creep in.   However, I have grown in a different direction than those love birds.  I choose to be happy for the chapter they are in their life and parallel that solace to where I am in life.   I can not make some one love me and I will not settle to peer pressure, that's just me.
I am thirty years young and have a lifetime ahead of me.  I have "Jenn" to work out and to be comfortable with forever.   In the words of U2  "I still haven't found what I am looking for", but, I do know who I am looking for- Me.   Until I know myself and accept that I will continue to grow and change, he will never be.